The Horror from the Hills

Hey, so I found this amazing list the other day. Its called the "List of Great Old Ones", and it was originally created by H.P Lovecraft, and expanded by his band of followers throughout literary history. Its essentially a compendium of names and descriptions of deities belonging to the "Cthulhu Mythos". Now, that probably won't mean much to you unless you're some sort of terrible Satanic Sci-Fi geek - but believe me, its objectively one of the bigger goldmines that the internet has offered up since eBay.

Dick with this:

Watch out! Its CHAUGNAR FAUGN! Also known by the epithet "The Horror from the Hills". Firstly, Chaugnar is a motherfucking badass. Secondly, he's a humanoid elephant with horribly grotesque features, combining the worst aspects of octopus, elephant, and human being. Also he's made of "night", or something. He moves incredibly fast for his size and will drain the blood of any being it encounters. Especially YOU.

Chaugnar Faugn falls into the category of "black magic" mythology, stories that were whispered amongst the endarkened (opposite of enlightened, is that cool? I might have just invented a word...) rather than passed along as regular legends like the Hydra/Minotaur/Larry Bird.

Seriously, grimoires are the best things ever. Way better than textbooks. I'd much rather have studied black magic than "Society & Environment". Then maybe all these bloody talismans would come in handy once in a while.

Rome

Rome. There's some serious evidence of "the magic of civilization" there, man. Its like the city itself is one of those cabinets people keep in their houses with all the valuable trinkets and china inside. Except this one has ancient buildings, statues and fountains, all with incredible backstories.

Now, everyone knows I'm a sucker for mythology, but any city founded by a guy raised by motherfucking WOLVES gets my vote. Basically, these two boys were left in the cold to die. A She-Wolf came along and picked up the slack, which was nice of her - and reared the boys back to health. They decided at some point to get started on a city.


They couldn't agree on which hill to build it on, so Romulus killed Remus, to avoid a drawn-out argument about it. I've got brothers, and violent hill-arguments happen all the time, no big deal. Anyways, seems like Romulus' hill was the right choice, because eventually a fore-runner of the "epic city" movement was born. Rome.

I really want to visit Rome one day, and I hope the mythology & magic in the air translates as well as I've let myself believe it will. It really would've been the "centre of the universe" for a good period of time. That's fucking amazing.

Cyclops!

A Cyclops is the name for a member of a mythical, primordial race of giants, characterized by a single eye in the middle of the forehead. The Cyclops is also a pretty cool motherfucker, if only for his fairly unimpressive "special ability", which seems to really be just its large size. See, I might be wrong, but only having one eye would almost certainly be a disadvantage, right?

Nevertheless, they helped Zeus overthrow Chronus and the rest of the Titans, forging thunderbolts for use in the war. The Cyclopes have been thought to have designed many other mythical objects, including Apollo's bow (and arrows made of sun rays) Poseidon's trident, Artemis's bow and arrows (these are made of moonlight) and Hades's "helmet of darkness". HELMET OF DARKNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The best bit about "Cyclop Handicrafts" though, is this excerpt from the cyclops wikipedia: "The noises proceeding from the heart of volcanoes were often attributed to the forging operations of the Cyclopes."

Thats pretty awesome, man.

Valkyrie

The Valkyrie, man. What an awesome lady. Awesomely POWERFUL. The Valkyrie is known as the "chooser of the slain", in Norse mythology. Which relates to Norse beliefs about War, Death and the Afterlife.

The Valkyries are the mythical women who decide who will die in battle, and bring the chosen into Valhalla, the hall of the slain. Valhalla is ruled by the Norse god Odin. Holy shit, how amazing would it be to die in an ancient Nordic battle? You'd be whisked away by one of thse hot babes, into the "Hall of the Dead", to await Ragnarök, the "final destiny of the gods".

Wagner - Ride of the Valkyries

Death's Head Hawk Moth

Have four words ever met that made more sense to be together than these four? I think I've gone and discovered the most amazingly named animal in the entire living universe. The Death's Head Hawk Moth. HAWK MOTH! Holy fuck, look at this guy.

The actual species names for these moths are Atropos & Styx. If you're any sort of Greek Mythology wizard, you'll know that Atropos is the member of the three "Fates"... They controlled the metaphorical thread of life of every mortal from birth to death. Atropos is he one who cuts the thread of life. Boom. Styx is the name of the famed "River of the Dead". Boom.

What a fucking morbid moth! Best moth ever.

"Fountain of Youth, Motherfuckers"

The Fountain of Youth is a mythical natural spring that reverses the ravages of time, for anyone who drinks from it. Tales of such a fountain have been told and retold throughout history all over the world.

The legend was popularised in the 1500's, where it is suggested that the Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de León was searching for the Fountain of Youth when he traveled to what is now Florida in 1513. I guess he had a feeling it'd just "be there" or something.

Imagine discovering it. Would you keep it a secret? I fucking would, at least to most people. Everyone would totally "interfere" with my potential immortality otherwise.

Pandora's Box

Check out this wicked box, dude.


Wicked, man. I love the concept of Pandora's Box. And using it as a metaphor for something in real-life, is really fun, too. "Man, you've opened Pandora's Box now" - especially if all that's happening is an argument about paying the rent, or something. Anyways, here's the mythology surrounding Pandora's Box:

After Prometheus took fire from the sun, Zeus sought reprisal by handing Pandora (the first woman on Earth) to Epimetheus, the brother of Prometheus. At the same time, Pandora was given a box that she was ordered not to open under any circumstances. Despite this warning, overcome by curiosity Pandora opened the box. Upon doing so, the evils contained within escaped into the world.

All the best stories begin with "After Prometheus took fire from the sun...".

That sucks though, I wish those evils had never escaped into the world.

Wild Pegasus

WILD motherfucking PEGASUS. Take that!

Just two badass words, next to each other, being totally badass, and sounding cool. Man, I want to ride one of these. Hurry up, genetic engineering!

The Pegasus has to be pretty much the greatest mythological creature ever devised, but one being free, untamed in the wild just makes this whole thing great.

But there's one part of this whole thing that isn't great. Here it is:


Meet "Wild Pegasus" - aka Chris Benoit. I'll let you guys use Wikipedia for most of this - but long story short: Benoit used to wrestle (in the '90s) under the name "Wild Pegasus" on his way to the top of the WWE.

He was a total badass the whole time, and had some of the most incredible wrestling skills the business had ever seen. However, at one point in 2007 - he snapped and murdered his family, before killing himself.

Anyways, this is old news, and I hope - no longer a place to stir further debate on wrestling issues. Regardless, the concept of a Wild Pegasus would be much cooler without this tarnishing it. Watch some of Chris' early work, or even his WM20 match with Shawn Michaels and Triple H. He was really, really good before he went crazy.

Ok, so back to it then. Here we go with something really awesome and mindblowing to leave you with a less sour taste in your mouth. Wild. Pegasus.

MANTICORE!

The Manticore is a mythical creature similar to Egypt's Sphinx. It has the body of a Lion, a Human face with three rows of deadly sharp teeth, and a trumpet-like voice (?). Manticores may be horned, winged, or both. They can have Scorpions tails, and can sometimes shoot barbs or spines at their victims, in order to paralyze them.

If they existed in my lifetime, I would gladly serve them as an underling... because - dude, Manticore!

Merpeople

Who came up with these guys? What a great concept. So is "Atlantis" - although I'm not sure the two are directly related.

Anyways, similarly to Sirens (who are cool as balls as well), Mermaids occasionally sing to people/gods, "enchant" them, distract them from their work and cause them to walk off the deck or run their ships aground. Other stories depict Mermen squeezing the life out of drowning humans while attempting to rescue them. They are also said to summon wild storms, and take humans down to their underwater kingdoms.

Also, Triton (Son of Poseidon) was a cool Merman... he used a Conch Shell - in his duties as "The Trumpeter of the Sea" (pow!).