Total Badasses: CM Punk

So, a new king of modern sports entertainment has been crowned, or so it seems. I've mentioned WWE and wrestling in general (neither of the 'W's in WWE stand for wrestling anymore) - and all of my previous posts have been about the past glories of a few breakthrough WWE stars. Over the last fortnight I've been lucky enough to witness the dawn of what could be an entirely new era. The man at the helm is CM Punk. Here's him "speaking his mind" before his final PPV appearance on Sunday.



So he's just strutted out there onto the set of a live television show, and gone on a 10 minute verbatim rant about how much his boss, his colleagues and the industry are just... well, fucked. He (almost) breaks character and kayfabe about 200 times and doesn't get cut off 'til the last second. Hmmmm. Anyways, regardless of whether this was real or 'worked', it was an incredible piece of promo work. Big time. A really big deal.

So here I am, a long standing fan of Punk's - waiting to see if the WWE has pulled off an incredible on-screen acknowledgement of their mistreatment of their talent and their fans, or just let a very serious embarrasment happen at the hands of their most well-rounded performer. I'd love to let it rip on my boss like that.

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"The Captain's Table"

Imagine being invited to dine at the Captain's table....


It would be so awesome, even if you were on some sort of dinky cruise ship, you'd totally love it. Just like pilots, Ship Captains (of ships that are big and nice and don't smell bad) are just a wicked different class of dudes. And I'm all about class, obviously. So yeah, sit down with the Captain during the ship's "Maiden Voyage"... also awesome... and just tuck in to the "catch of the day". Fuck, Sea imagery is so spot on, man.

Also this: Apparently Sea Captains have never, at any point ever been able to legally perform weddings. What the fuck? That's totally a older-than-time myth. Not only that, but the rules and regulations actually state that a Captain should specifically NOT attempt to perform a marriage at sea. Which is hilarious, because it suggests that some captains have been a bit "caught up in the moment" and given it a go. :)

Tonight's research really did crush my hopes and dreams of being a Wedding-cruise operator. Oh well, drawing board ahoy!

NBA Jam: Tournament Edition

NBA Jam: Tournament Edition is the best arcade game I've ever played. I'd seriously pay the $3,200 or whatever ridiculous price, just to get one of these machines in my house. I'm seriously going to do it.

Basically, since the original "NBA Jam" was so successful, they released a slightly newer one - same gameplay, but with alot more "wacky" easter eggs and cool little tidbits. Here's a video of Raiden and Reptile from the "Mortal Kombat" franchise, playing against the Charlotte Hornets.



So anyway, in these games, you'd usually just play 2-on-2 basketball using your favourite NBA team. If you managed to string together 3 consecutive baskets with one guy, your guy would become "on fire", and start shooting/dunking a flaming ball to the basket, burning its net in the process. The effect only wore off if the opposite team scored. And yeah, if you watch the video - you can get some pretty "sick" looking dunks.

Anyways, the main reason this game rules, is the adorable cheesy commentator. Along with "he's on fire!" - which relates to the above scenario, there are some freaking great lines spouted by the commentary as you play. Check this out:

"Boom-shaka-laka!"
"The Monster Jam!"
"Jams it in!"
"Slam-a-jamma!"
"From Downtown!" - when you bomb up a huge "three pointer"
"Grabs the rebound!"
"The nail in the coffin!" - in the closing moments of play.
"Whoomp, there it is!"
"Puts up a brick!" - when you miss wildly
"Can't buy a bucket!" - when you keep missing wildly
"Is it the shoes?!?" - the commentator can't come up with a better explanation as to why you're playing so good!
"Tenacious D"
"Razzle Dazzle"

Anyways, if you see this game at an arcade or pizza place or whatever. Play it. Is so fucking awesome.

Stories that you just can't make up

These kinds of stories are best. I also really appreciate when there's someone you know who can really tell a story with enthusiasm and flair - one that hooks you in and keeps you in. Anyways, yeah. Stories you can't make up. Heaps interesting, and cool.

A mate of mine once told me he'd come into possession of a mammoth horn... or like a tusk, or some shit. It was engraved, and apparently genuine. He'd been given it by a friend's dad - as I recall, in the hopes he could get it up on Ebay, and get a good price.

What the fuck is a good price for a mammoth horn? Why didn't the dad just put it up on Ebay himself?

Well, apparently the guy just wasn't sure how to use ebay, so he'd handed it to this pal of mine. And also, i think he was hoping for the horn to sell for somewhere around the $30,000 mark... Thirty thousand dollars, for a genuine Mammoth's tusk. With runic engravings! Thirty thousand.

WHAT? Yeah. Mammoth Tusk.

That story, whilst not one with a beginning, middle & end - had to be true. Why would anyone make that up, unless they wanted to seem completely crazy?

I fucken love stories like that.

Dennis Nedry

This is the third post in the series detailing the 1993 movie juggernaut: "Jurassic Park". Here are the others.

Nedry rules. Played by Wayne Knight (Newman) - who expertly delivers a clear cut, menacing performance as the only human antagonist in the movie. This fact is awesome, because he and the movie's protagonist (Dr. Alan Grant) never appear in a scene or even a single frame together.

Also - alot of people don't realize this, but Samuel L. Jackson appears in most of Nedry's scenes, with one of his more measured, subtle, and completely convincing performances. But enough about SLJ.. Dennis Nedry, man. Nedry topples the first domino, by switching off the security system - which sets the entire Isla Nublar into chaos. Yeah!

5. John Hammond: "I don't blame people for their mistakes, but I do ask that they pay for them."
Nedry: "Thanks, Dad."

4. [scrambles on the ground] "My glasses... [getting up] ...I can afford MORE glasses!"

3. [To a Dilophosaur] "No wonder you're extinct."

2. "Dodgson! We have Dodgson here!... See? Nobody Cares."



1. "Uh, uh, uh, you didn't say the magic word!"

Pilots

Man, imagine being a pilot. It would be so fucking awesome. Not only would you be flying planes for a SALARY, and not just for fun - you'd also be in different cities of the world all the time. You'd be in different hotels all the time, just hanging out, and generally being a badass.

"Be right back, just heading to Cairo/Tokyo/Rome/Wherever." - you'd be able to say that really non-chalantly, in real life.

Pilots. So regal and respected... just cool guys, being cool and having a cool job. I wish I'd "tried harder" in real life, so I could BE one right now.

Total Badasses: Hannibal Barca

Hannibal of Carthage is my favourite historical general. Dude is a total legend. He lived in the 2nd century BC, and is known for actually standing up to the greatest power in the ancient world at that time -- Rome.

The dude led a smallish army, including war elephants (yeah!) across the European Alps, at the time thought to be uncrossable. Even though he emerged on the other side with about half of the force he set out with initially, he still amassed several impressive victories behind enemy lines, in Roman territory.

To put it in better words, he "marauded" around Rome for a while, being a total badass and kicking Roman arse for a while. In Italy. Roman territory. Him and his elephants. So cool.

Eventually he was driven out by Romans, who were getting desperate, sending general after general against him in hope of defeating him. The dude who eventually did so was Scipio Africanus. Cool name.

Here is a Hannibal quote I think we can all agree is totally badass:

"We will either find a way, or make one."

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Total Badasses: Komodo Dragons

Look at this beautiful animal. Look at how regal he is. He is truly king of all the lizards.

Living on only a few select islands in Indonesia, Komodos grow to over three metres in length, with their size being attributed to "island gigantism". Because they are the only carnivore in their ecosystem, they dominate the foodchain. Heck yes!

These dudes eat goats, pigs, other mammals, and yes, sometimes even humans. All that was apparently left of a German tourist in 1988 was his bloodstained glasses. Don't mess with the komodos, bro.

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The Bee Gees

The Bee Gees, motherfuckers! They're so great.

Check this shit out. It was written by the Barry Gibb, and performed by Frankie Valli on the "Grease" soundtrack. It is the bomb.

Frankie Valli - Grease


Listen to that "intro" dudes, pure gold. Also, I have an outlandish theory about Barry Gibb.

The community of Lions, as in actual wild lions - has a royal family. The royal family, throughout its years upon years of Lion civilization, learned and developed maigc. They discovered a way of bestowing a Human Body to one of their Lion brethren, so that he could be an ambassador to the human race. The "King of Lions" himself volunteered, and was cast into human form. This is what he turned out like:



KING OF LIONS.

Angel Blade!

This is it. This is the greatest superhero ever conceived. Angel Blade. Fuck yeah man! How cool is that? Angel Blade. Would he be an angel armed with some kind of blade? Or would he be a human, somehow gifted by the angels with a magnificent blade? He would probably wear some kind of mask -- a white mask. Is that cool? I think it is.

Jaguar Warriors? Yes please!

So if you thought the ancient Aztecs couldn't get any cooler, think again, buddy. Their military had two classes of warrior -- the "Jaguar Warriors" and the "Eagle Warriors". Hell yes!

Each class was said to wear the skin/feathers of their namesake, and took on characteristics of their animal to some extent in battle.

Imagine like, sitting in an Aztec bar and someone asking you what you did for a living, and you replying "I'm a motherfuckin' Jaguar Warrior!". Yeah!

Wojtek: The greatest animal ever!

Wojtek could be the greatest animal who ever lived, and certainly the greatest bear.

I know this is a big call to make, but wait until you hear his story; Wojtek was a Polish bear, much like the one in the picture. What makes him so different? Wojtek was drafted as a soldier in the Polish Army. Fuck yes!

He was adopted by the Polish army in 1942, and was actually listed among the soldiers of the 22nd Artillery Supply Company of the Polish II Corps. He helped move ammunition during pivotal battles in WWII!

Wikipedia lists some pretty amazing facts about Woytek. For example, he was often rewarded with beer, which was his favourite drink. Fuck yes. Also, the name "Wojtek" or "Wojciech" is derived from two words: "woj" (warrior); and "ciech", enjoyment. Thus the name has two meanings: "he who enjoys war" or "smiling warrior". FUCK YES!

But nothing could beat the title of his Wiki page: "Wojtek (soldier bear)"

Its a shame you can't do this at job interviews

I bet he had a pretty good buzz going after that.

Old videogame coverart rules

Man, just how much awesome can you fit into one picture? Just look at that top one: you've got some kind of evil overlord, a robot warrior, AND a freaking dinosaur. Such an amazing clash of archetypes.

The second features some kind of epic warrior, riding a partially robotic crocodile thing, being attacked by a modern fighter jet. It's like what "awesome" would look like inside the mind of a thirteen year old kid, but a really awesome "classic" kid, not some generic modern kid who wears baggy shorts and listens to "Slipknot".

The third cover's game is called "Monster Business". That is just fantastic -- that construction helmet dude obviously has some kind of "business" with those monsters, even if it is just "shooting them".

I miss old game coverart.

Jackalopes: Nature's "Should've-beens"

This is exactly what it looks like. A mythical rabbit with antlers. A jackalope. What a great "critter", and just one example of a "hybrid animal" (which is a cool enough concept to warrant its own post). Imagine what it could do with its ultimate combination of the speed and stealth of being a rabbit, with the brute force of having powerful antlers. I would want to both "be one" and "own one".

The Tunguska Incident

The Tunguska event was a massive, mysterious explosion that occured on June 8th, 1908 in a remote part of Russia. It manifested itself as at first a column of bluish light, then as a bright flash of light which locals described as a "second sun" (wow.). A force was then felt which knocked people off their feet.

It's awesome to think what could have caused this. Many theories exist. The most common is that a meteor caused it, either by direct collision, or by passing very close to the surface of the earth. Locals in nearby villagers thought it was the "end of the world". Other theories point to black holes, and possibly extraterrestrial craft.

The point of this story, is that mysterious events rule. Its totally rad to think about what caused them and what actually happened.

The girls from "Dazed and Confused"

Am I right, fellas? Good grief. They are, from left to right: Deena Martin, Michelle Burke, Joey Lauren Adams, and Parker Posey. Cool as fuck.

Slam Dunk (from the free throw line)

Yeah, yeah - the youngsters are dunking it in crazier ways now... but this is one of the few times I'll give a dude credit for doing it first. He may not have strictly been the first guy to ever make that dunk, but this is an iconic piece of sports photography. Whoever took this specific shot would be a very rich man right now. This owns.

The Amazing Kreskin

Pretty much owns. "Being Old School" is such an awesome quality in showbusiness.



His recent segment, almost 20 years after this, on Fallon is pure gold. If you find it (Jason Segel, Statler and Waldorf are also on the show) it is very much worth watching.

Does this look kind of awesome?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metropolis_(anime)

I would only think for longer than 2 seconds about something like this - but i got stuck on the word "Metropolis" - such a fucken cool word, man. Apparently the plot's rubbish, but it still looks pretty boss.