That Lucky Old Sun

The Sun is a shining fucking golden champion. He's a Solar Deity. The Sun is the most powerful thing in our galaxy, probably. In its core, the Sun fuses 430–600 million tons of hydrogen each second. The Sun is a motherfucking beast.

The Sun gods of mythology had really awesome names... Apollo. Freyr. Sol Invictus. Helios. (a "Heliopolis" is a "Sun City". Boom) Ra. Check out Ra:


What a majestic badass! Look at the "dignified pose" he's striking.

Anyways, being "as powerful as the sun itself" is possibly the greatest thing one could ever achieve. I'm going to become that.

Mayan Cosmos

Man, the Mayans had some the most mind-shattering ideas... This is just amazing. I love how non-chalant this seems with the labelling/captions on it. "Now, over here is the Sun Jaguar, which is just next to the Vision Serpent..."

Sun Jaguar.

Vision Serpent.

I would easily go for this belief system, based purely on the kind of shit these "Ancient Skywatchers" were churning out - its all so much cooler, more badass, and more vibrant stuff than anything Jesus had to offer. Anyways, here's a colourful version, because colours are fun.


Kind of an awesome way to summarize your entire existence, and keep your people in line. "Bird of Heaven, Cosmic Monster... You get it... Just obey them." Instant civilization!

Archangels

This Archangel has a flaming sword. No wonder people believe in these crazy bastards. They're probably worried that if they don't, they'll get a flaming sword upside the head!

The concept of the "Wrath of God" is incredible. Its probably not going to "get you" but watch out for it, anyway. These guys would be his soldiers, or something. Epic. So not only do these guys get to fly around all over the place, but they get to wield flaming swords. Bad luck, Satan. I'm not sure you can top that.

Mrs. Susan Walker

I got an incredible email in my spam folder recently. It was the usual fare, with 16.6 million dollars being laundered through my bank account, if I was willing to help out this person with that and whatever, but this one had a really awesome twist. It was from a woman named Susan Walker, a widow of someone associated with the Texaco corporation. She was 69 years old, never remarried, and without children. Here's what she signed off with:

This is to ensure that nothing jeopardizes my last wish on Earth.
I await your urgent reply. May almighty God bless you and your family.

Regards,

Mrs. Susan Walker