Relaxation with Porco Rosso!

Nothing says "Paradise" like a naturally enclosed body of pure, crystal clear water. This^ image is from "Porco Rosso" the animated Miyazaki masterpiece about the Italian Half-man-Half-Pig Fighter Pilot. His "hideout" is in this lovely little cove, where he can park his plane, sit about and just listen to the wireless - being a badass.

Here:


Looks so fucken relaxing, I'd love to have one of these to retreat to, when the rat race starts getting me down. Paradise, man.

This movie is fucking amazing.

Total Badasses: CM Punk

So, a new king of modern sports entertainment has been crowned, or so it seems. I've mentioned WWE and wrestling in general (neither of the 'W's in WWE stand for wrestling anymore) - and all of my previous posts have been about the past glories of a few breakthrough WWE stars. Over the last fortnight I've been lucky enough to witness the dawn of what could be an entirely new era. The man at the helm is CM Punk. Here's him "speaking his mind" before his final PPV appearance on Sunday.



So he's just strutted out there onto the set of a live television show, and gone on a 10 minute verbatim rant about how much his boss, his colleagues and the industry are just... well, fucked. He (almost) breaks character and kayfabe about 200 times and doesn't get cut off 'til the last second. Hmmmm. Anyways, regardless of whether this was real or 'worked', it was an incredible piece of promo work. Big time. A really big deal.

So here I am, a long standing fan of Punk's - waiting to see if the WWE has pulled off an incredible on-screen acknowledgement of their mistreatment of their talent and their fans, or just let a very serious embarrasment happen at the hands of their most well-rounded performer. I'd love to let it rip on my boss like that.

For more total badasses, click here.

Reticulated Python

You're an African Reticulated Python! Yes you Are! You're so reticulated!

This is the biggest species of python on the planet, so it can pretty confidently just swoop in and claim the title of the biggest species of BADASS on the planet. These motherfuckers can devour an entire Nyala in one sitting. Nyalas aren't small.

So, yeah. Lets get this over with:

Bear Grylls

I'm definitely not breaking any new ground here, but Bear Grylls is amazing - it actually doesn't matter at all if all the segments are strictly real or not, this show is fucking amazing. This is a segment from his show Man vs. Wild, look at how close he comes to being wiped out by this fucking train:



Basically, Bear Grylls is the most publicly-celebrated survival badass ever. He pretty much just drops into really remote/dangerous areas - does a bunch of really extreme survival demonstrations (eating bugs, wearing a dead camel, catching fish with his bare hands, etc) and finds a way out. My favourite one so far is the Irish bog-lands, or the Montanan Rockies. Really good stuff.

Anyways, just fantastic television work, real or not. Well done, Bear Grylls.

Rhinoceros

Man, this is such an awesome animal. And we've had a few on here. But this guy... This guy demands respect. Such a badass. He'd "protect his family" above all, or something. Also, in a fight - he could probably take on any member of the animal kingdom, shy of a Megalodon.

That's the crazy thing... I'm racking my brain, and I don't think there's an animal I respect more than the mystic White Rhino.

The other thing I love about this, is the ridiculous image I procured for the Rhinoceros illustration. Its in such out-of-control antiquated language. What on earth does it say? Zoom in on that shit, its really perplexing.

Gryphon!

Hey, so this creature fucking KICKS ASS. Look at this glorious fellow!


Gryphons, man. Or Griffins. Badass mythical creatures, oh my god. Look at this majestic monster! Such a cool combination of influences on this thing.... as in, he's a monster, but fighting for the "good guys". That's brilliant.

When I made my last post, I immediately decided these guys were not only one of the greatest examples of something that just oozes Majesty, but they more than qualified as a creature worthy of its own post.

I salute you, almighty winged overlords!

Watch Out! Sand Wraith!

Look at this scary motherfucker. Sand Wraith, bro - he'll get ya. Something so epically sinister about a creature "emerging" from a cloud of sand, attacking its prey, and then disappearing into the night... Badass.

I want to BE one and AVOID one at all costs.... not at the same time, obviously.

Leaning: It's the coolest thing ever

Dude, leaning against things. It's awesome. It makes you instantly cooler. Way back in history, somebody awesome probably just decided that he "didn't feel like supporting ALL of his weight" - and leaned against a wall. Probably blew some 12th Century minds.

Yeah man, leaning. Try it out sometime, it looks amazing and you'll feel invincible. Classic James Dean shit.

Anyways, get a load of this:


See? Coolest shit around/in town.

Iron Maiden Artwork

Ok, so I probably should point out I'm late to the party here. Also, I'm really not trying to be the "Irony" guy - because that's terrible. But seriously, at complete face value alone, this:


Fucken Iron Maiden man. I'm never going to want to hear guitars that loud in person. I will never buy a "second kick pedal". I'm pretty comfortable with my experience listening to "turned all the way up to 3" two-guitar jams.

But from this day forward, any CD I buy will have artwork at least ^this^ badass.

PS: I know, right!? electricity has begun to engulf the pyramid.

Honest John

Honest John. He's very, very cool. Basically, he's a good-for-nothing hobo Fox, with a catchy name and a sly disposition. Also he wears human clothes and walks on two legs. He meets this little puppet boy, Pinocchio - on his way to school (at this point, Pinocchio knows literally NOTHING about the ways of the world).

Honest John convinces Pinocchio that he should skip school and become a star instead, under his guidance. Also, later he convinces Pinocchio he is sick and suggests a vacation on "Pleasure Island" (Bam!) as treatment. Anyways, here's how it went down:



Man, Disney are geniuses. I'm such a Disney Mark.

Anyways, yeah - Foxes + Disney = great stuff.

Demolition Man

This movie, man. Fucken A.

Basically, Demolition Man is about the future. A future in which all violence and any potential for disturbance has been eradicated, and anyone who stands in the way of this peaceful existence is banished to the sewers. Nobody uses guns anymore. Cars drive themselves. You have "sex" using virtual reality visors. And... the three seashells.

Anyways - so the most violent criminals are locked up in "cryoprison" - a creative form of justice which involves freezing the accused in time, and rehabilitating them using brainwashing and mind control. Simon Phoenix ((!) Wesley Snipes) - the worst criminal in the world (or something), gets a lifetime cryo-sentence. John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone) - the fucken best cop ever, wrongfully receives a 70 year cryo-sentence, at the hands of Simon Phoenix.

Both receive a cryo-parole hearing on the same day. Simon Phoenix escapes. Stallone v Snipes. The stage is set. As the viewer, we get to watch these two total cryo-badasses go crazy on each other, in a peaceful, tongue-in-cheek Utopian future.

The best part of this movie is all the hilarious "its the future, lol" bits. Its like Brave New World, or 1984, but really user-friendly and fun. Sandra Bullock actually nails it, and plays this adorable cop who has a soft spot for John Spartan, and tries to help him adjust to life in 2032. The only restaurant to survive the "franchise wars" was Taco Bell, so every restaurant is Taco Bell. Hilarious. Schwarzenegger is president, which is awesome - because not only was this a Stallone movie.... they weren't SO far off with that one.

Total Badasses: Arnold Vosloo

Arnold Vosloo has such an incredibly badass "look" going on. What a cool dude. Imhotep was such a fucken amazing bad guy (this is in The Mummy and The Mummy Returns, by the way). The shit he does with the sand, bringing his dead girlfriend back to life using Egyptian Mysticism... and those awesome magic spells:


That's an Arnold Vosloo made out of sand, "getting" a plane.

Badass bald guys, man. Cool.

For more total badasses, click here.

VOLCANO

I fucken love it when Mother Earth gets all "Heavy Metal" on everyone's ass - and comes up with shit like this. Volcanoes! They're badass.

Now, what's even more badass, is when tribes drop people into the top of the Volcano (does anyone know if any tribes actually do this?) as some sort of "offering" to the Volcano God. That's amazing, because.. why not?

It'd be easy to fall under the spell of a mystic Volcano, and start worshiping it. Personally, if my village was right in its path, I'd sacrifice hundreds of dudes, to ensure the Volcano God didn't get mad, and wrath all over my house and shit.

Total Badasses: Guile

Guile. He's a badass. Look at his hair! That's an "American Hero" for you, totally Army, muscled up, and a "Rip a Hole in the Sun" attitude to boot. Check out his awesome American flag tattoo. Cool. Guile is pretty much a no-nonsense, All-American tough guy.

A Major in the United States Air Force, Guile left the United States of America, to enter the World Warrior tournament avenging his friend Charlie, who was killed by the tournament's sponsor, and fellow Total Badass - M. Bison. Anyways, yeah - Guile does a sweet spinning kick, as well as this gem:

Guile performs the "Sonic Boom" attack - powers up so much that he shoots a powerful "force" at the other guy, and knocks him down. Get it? Air Force... Jets... Sonic Boom, speed of sound... etc?

Street Fighter rules. Guile rules.

Rip a Hole in the Sun.

For more total badasses, click here.

Wild Pegasus

WILD motherfucking PEGASUS. Take that!

Just two badass words, next to each other, being totally badass, and sounding cool. Man, I want to ride one of these. Hurry up, genetic engineering!

The Pegasus has to be pretty much the greatest mythological creature ever devised, but one being free, untamed in the wild just makes this whole thing great.

But there's one part of this whole thing that isn't great. Here it is:


Meet "Wild Pegasus" - aka Chris Benoit. I'll let you guys use Wikipedia for most of this - but long story short: Benoit used to wrestle (in the '90s) under the name "Wild Pegasus" on his way to the top of the WWE.

He was a total badass the whole time, and had some of the most incredible wrestling skills the business had ever seen. However, at one point in 2007 - he snapped and murdered his family, before killing himself.

Anyways, this is old news, and I hope - no longer a place to stir further debate on wrestling issues. Regardless, the concept of a Wild Pegasus would be much cooler without this tarnishing it. Watch some of Chris' early work, or even his WM20 match with Shawn Michaels and Triple H. He was really, really good before he went crazy.

Ok, so back to it then. Here we go with something really awesome and mindblowing to leave you with a less sour taste in your mouth. Wild. Pegasus.

Atlas

This is a post with two parts, and its about Atlas. This is the first part:

Atlas. He's one of the 12 Titans. Sons and daughters of Gaia and Uranus... although strictly speaking, alot of the Titans had different and more disturbing combinations of fathers and mothers. Anyways, Atlas pretty much just holds up the heavens. Simple as that, just hanging out, holding up the heavens on his shoulders - standing on the Atlas mountains. What a badass. Look how "strong" he is.

Very strong, that's how.

Here's the next part. ATLASES.


Atlases are great - such heavy, epic books, but awesome to have in your house. Along with a telescope, an atlas is one of the things I've decided I definitely want in my home once I'm rich and famous. Its great, whenever something comes up - to get out the atlas to look up the answer. Maps rule.

Anyways, the lesson we've learned today is that Atlas is a total strong badass, and so are books full of maps, I guess.

Matchbooks

Matchbooks are cool - not a preferred or even particularly handy device any more, but still - their use as a kind of "business card" or something is pretty badass.

Fucken "portable fire", man. It rules. Going to get some matchbooks, start handing 'em out - and drum me up some support. :)

Angel Blade!

This is it. This is the greatest superhero ever conceived. Angel Blade. Fuck yeah man! How cool is that? Angel Blade. Would he be an angel armed with some kind of blade? Or would he be a human, somehow gifted by the angels with a magnificent blade? He would probably wear some kind of mask -- a white mask. Is that cool? I think it is.

Total Badasses: Shere'Khan

So the Jungle Book has been mentioned before, but this post will serve as the first of many - profiling our favourite badasses throughout the history of the screen. I'm nominating Shere'Khan. Watch him interrupt this lovely "friendship" song:



What a suave, cool guy. So scary, too. That baritone voice sends shivers down my 8-year-old self's spine. Considering how old this movie is, I think the cat-form George Sanders gives cat-form Jeremy Irons a run for his money (Irons was the voice of 'Scar' in the Lion King, duh.)

For more Total Badasses, click here.

Brock Lesnar is cool

Brock Lesnar is the scariest, most intimidating, and most bad-ass man on the face of the earth. As I mentioned in this post, during his WWE run - he was a massive rising star. He very quickly became the biggest dog on WWE (never a successful "good guy" character though) - won his championship belts, realized how strong and fucken unstoppable he was, and moved to the fastest-growing sport of the last decade, Mixed Martial Arts. MMA kicks ass, obviously.

Even more quickly than his "predetermined outcomes" career, and using his amazing physique, and top-notch amateur wrestling ability - he became UFC Champion. He remains champion to this day, and has incredible bouts ahead of him and is making more scratch than he ever did hitting people with chairs.

Check out that fucken sword on his chest, man. DO NOT FUCK WITH THIS MAN. :D