Cyclops!

A Cyclops is the name for a member of a mythical, primordial race of giants, characterized by a single eye in the middle of the forehead. The Cyclops is also a pretty cool motherfucker, if only for his fairly unimpressive "special ability", which seems to really be just its large size. See, I might be wrong, but only having one eye would almost certainly be a disadvantage, right?

Nevertheless, they helped Zeus overthrow Chronus and the rest of the Titans, forging thunderbolts for use in the war. The Cyclopes have been thought to have designed many other mythical objects, including Apollo's bow (and arrows made of sun rays) Poseidon's trident, Artemis's bow and arrows (these are made of moonlight) and Hades's "helmet of darkness". HELMET OF DARKNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The best bit about "Cyclop Handicrafts" though, is this excerpt from the cyclops wikipedia: "The noises proceeding from the heart of volcanoes were often attributed to the forging operations of the Cyclopes."

Thats pretty awesome, man.

Mist

Mist, man. Water droplets suspended in the air are the shit. They add an overall dramatic mood, and the sense that "some dangerous thing can happen at any time" to any situation. Reducing the real world's draw-distance is a really funny and awesome thing to do. Mist. Here's another thing:


THE Mist. The. Anyone seen this movie? I love this fucking movie. It stars Tom Jane, which is always a plus (check out "Arrested Development" and "Boogie Nights" to see why Tom Jane is a fucking badass) - and tells the story of a group of small-town residents who get trapped in a supermarket, after the town becomes shrouded in a mysterious mist.

What follows is more or less the usual Stephen King fare, with mysterious monsters attacking the shop from outside, whilst the mist-hostages enter survival mode, and the story becomes an agorophobic "islotation thriller". The fear of the outside world, ruled by mist - keeps the group of around 50 generic townspeople trapped in the shop, where they are left to form not only their own society, but also strategies and methods of escape.

Obviously, they cannot all agree - and the mini-civilization within the supermarket begins to crumble. The superstitious and religious townsfolk believe that god will save them, while the level-headed Tom Jane and his neighbours and friends, decide they have the know-how to get out of this alive.

Sure. That might've sounded pretty crap, but the real stylishness of this movie really is how simple it is. Monsters outside = don't go outside. Town shrouded in mist = nobody knows where to run. Simple.

But seriously. The phenomenon of "Mist" is great and all, but See this movie, if only for the ending. The ending of this movie will make you Blow. A. Cow.

Mongolian Death Worm

That's right. It's the motherfucking Mongolian Death Worm! Cower before it! But seriously, this thing has actually been rumoured to exist! The Mongolian name for it is the olgoi-khorkoi, and sightings of it have been reported in the Gobi desert for hundreds of years by locals.

Not only is it freaking huge, but locals have said that it fucking spews sulphuric acid at you (!), and can send a lethal electric discharge from a long distance (!!). Not only that, but its fatal to the touch. So in summary, its a gigantic, electric, acid-spewing worm that kills you if you even touch it.

Mongolian death worm. Another amazing cryptid.

Also, I think I've found an amazing name for my penis...

Total Badasses: Kratos

Okay, this has been a long time coming. Videogames have long been known as a medium populated by huge beefy guys killing other guys, right? Right! And Kratos, the protagonist of the God of War games, is arguably the most awesome and epic.

I'll try to keep backstory brief. Kratos was a general in the Greek army who was betrayed (initially by Ares, the God of War) and forced to kill his own family. Ever since then, Kratos just wants to kill every single God and Greek myth. That's it. That's the story. Obviously other stuff happens as well, but thats the gist. Its basically the most epic tale of revenge ever told. And it goes all the way up to Zeus. Yes, that's right, he wants to kill the fucken "God of Gods".

What Kratos lacks in character depth (he's got one facial expression: scowl), he makes up for in deeds. This guy does some freakin' epic stuff that really defines what "awesome" would look like in the mind of a 12-year old boy. Kratos disembowels minotaurs, plucks out cyclopses' eyes, and stabs satyrs, but thats just the beginning.

Some Kratos highlights (minor spoilers, but if you didn't figure it out already, Kratos kills FUCKEN EVERYBODY):

-Killing the Colossus of fucken Rhodes
-Killing the fucken Hydra
-Killing Hades, God of the fucken Underworld
-Killing fucken Hercules
-Killing fucken Poseidon, God of the Sea
-Killing Helios, God of the fucken Sun
-Killing the Sisters of fucken Fate
-Killing Gaia, Titan of the fucken Earth
-Killing Cronos, Titan of Time
-Killing Ares, God of fucken War

Now with God of War 3 in the bag, the developers have stated that they have wrapped up "Kratos' story arc", whatever that means. I'm sure there will be more God of War games, but I'm wondering if they will feature a different hero or not. I'm hoping Kratos gets to return, but in an altogether different mythology.

Just imagine. God of War 4. Kratos gets betrayed by God. Must battle through hordes of Saints. And Jesus. It would be amazing.

For more total badasses, click here.

Silver Bullets

Silver Bullets rule. They're like... the only way to slay a Werewolf, not to mention the most stylish way ever, to slay anything!

There are also stories of a Bulletproof Witch, who needed to have silver rounds pumped through her in order to die. "Bulletproof Witch" - nice.

Also, the term "Silver Bullet" has been adopted as a common turn of phrase, referring to the solution of a problem with extreme effectiveness... You refer to a "Silver Bullet" being a very easy, albeit hypothetical solution - usually technological - to the problem.

So, in a problem solving situation, skipping the "hard work" to solve it, you'd look for a Silver Bullet solution, which would require a lot less work.

(I guess Werewolves were a complex problem, with an easy solution... Silver Bullets!)

Old videogame coverart rules

Man, just how much awesome can you fit into one picture? Just look at that top one: you've got some kind of evil overlord, a robot warrior, AND a freaking dinosaur. Such an amazing clash of archetypes.

The second features some kind of epic warrior, riding a partially robotic crocodile thing, being attacked by a modern fighter jet. It's like what "awesome" would look like inside the mind of a thirteen year old kid, but a really awesome "classic" kid, not some generic modern kid who wears baggy shorts and listens to "Slipknot".

The third cover's game is called "Monster Business". That is just fantastic -- that construction helmet dude obviously has some kind of "business" with those monsters, even if it is just "shooting them".

I miss old game coverart.