The Horror from the Hills

Hey, so I found this amazing list the other day. Its called the "List of Great Old Ones", and it was originally created by H.P Lovecraft, and expanded by his band of followers throughout literary history. Its essentially a compendium of names and descriptions of deities belonging to the "Cthulhu Mythos". Now, that probably won't mean much to you unless you're some sort of terrible Satanic Sci-Fi geek - but believe me, its objectively one of the bigger goldmines that the internet has offered up since eBay.

Dick with this:

Watch out! Its CHAUGNAR FAUGN! Also known by the epithet "The Horror from the Hills". Firstly, Chaugnar is a motherfucking badass. Secondly, he's a humanoid elephant with horribly grotesque features, combining the worst aspects of octopus, elephant, and human being. Also he's made of "night", or something. He moves incredibly fast for his size and will drain the blood of any being it encounters. Especially YOU.

Chaugnar Faugn falls into the category of "black magic" mythology, stories that were whispered amongst the endarkened (opposite of enlightened, is that cool? I might have just invented a word...) rather than passed along as regular legends like the Hydra/Minotaur/Larry Bird.

Seriously, grimoires are the best things ever. Way better than textbooks. I'd much rather have studied black magic than "Society & Environment". Then maybe all these bloody talismans would come in handy once in a while.

Cyclops!

A Cyclops is the name for a member of a mythical, primordial race of giants, characterized by a single eye in the middle of the forehead. The Cyclops is also a pretty cool motherfucker, if only for his fairly unimpressive "special ability", which seems to really be just its large size. See, I might be wrong, but only having one eye would almost certainly be a disadvantage, right?

Nevertheless, they helped Zeus overthrow Chronus and the rest of the Titans, forging thunderbolts for use in the war. The Cyclopes have been thought to have designed many other mythical objects, including Apollo's bow (and arrows made of sun rays) Poseidon's trident, Artemis's bow and arrows (these are made of moonlight) and Hades's "helmet of darkness". HELMET OF DARKNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The best bit about "Cyclop Handicrafts" though, is this excerpt from the cyclops wikipedia: "The noises proceeding from the heart of volcanoes were often attributed to the forging operations of the Cyclopes."

Thats pretty awesome, man.

Atlas

This is a post with two parts, and its about Atlas. This is the first part:

Atlas. He's one of the 12 Titans. Sons and daughters of Gaia and Uranus... although strictly speaking, alot of the Titans had different and more disturbing combinations of fathers and mothers. Anyways, Atlas pretty much just holds up the heavens. Simple as that, just hanging out, holding up the heavens on his shoulders - standing on the Atlas mountains. What a badass. Look how "strong" he is.

Very strong, that's how.

Here's the next part. ATLASES.


Atlases are great - such heavy, epic books, but awesome to have in your house. Along with a telescope, an atlas is one of the things I've decided I definitely want in my home once I'm rich and famous. Its great, whenever something comes up - to get out the atlas to look up the answer. Maps rule.

Anyways, the lesson we've learned today is that Atlas is a total strong badass, and so are books full of maps, I guess.

Ancient beliefs

Old-timey scientific beliefs are awesome -- how did people come to these crazy and amazing conclusions? Who knows. Its awesome to think that at one point people actually, truly believed that the world was held up by four giant elephants, who were in turn standing atop an enormous cosmic turtle.

Dr. Ian Malcolm

This is the second post in the series looking back Steven Spielberg's 1993 epic: "Jurassic Park". Here's my previous one.

Dr. Ian Malcolm kicks ass. He's the "funny" guy in the group of people participating in the simulated run through of the park's tour. He's a Mathematician, and more importantly; a CHAOTICIAN. He's there to assess the park's probability of failure.. and then he gets to participate in that failure. Malcolm is played by Jeff Motherfucking Goldblum, and is my favourite character in the movie. Here we go with his best lines:

5. [Dr. Grant asks Malcolm if he is married] "Occasionally... I'm always on the lookout for the future ex-Mrs. Malcolm."

4. Life... finds a way.

3. "I'll tell you the problem with the scientific power that you're using here: it didn't require any discipline to attain it. You read what others had done and you took the next step. You didn't earn the knowledge for yourselves, so you don't take any responsibility... for it. You stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as you could and before you even knew what you had you patented it and packaged it and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now ...you're selling it."

2. "God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs..."


1. "He did it. The crazy son of a bitch, he did it..."

Skittles!

Skittles rock. They are so ridiculously delicious. First, they come in all the colours of the fuckin' rainbow, man. Second, every flavour is more delicious than the last. And each skittle actually lasts a while as you chew it and relish in its tangy goodness.

If God could cry tears, every tear would be a Skittle that could be chewed for all eternity.

Hinduism has the best gods

Ganesha became the Lord of all existing beings after winning a race around the universe against his brother Kartikay. Granted - Ganesha didn't race far off into the universe, he just reduced the idea of the "universe" to a love and respect for his Father and Mother - but still... he's #1 - an elephant... and #2 - the supreme lord of all existing beings... are you?

Fucking Hell.

God's Cereal.