Total Badasses: Ganon

I'm not even a Zelda guy. That's the fucked up thing. Although I might be soon, after hearing a little about old mate Ganon (also known as Ganondorf). The king of evil.

Ganondorf is the embodiment of a demon called Ganon, an all powerful warlord with aspirations for domination of Hyrule. Usually, this includes capturing Princess Zelda, acquiring the Triforce of Power, and generally/ultimately being thwarted by Link (duh). Lots of cool shit going on, all over the place. Ganon appears in plenty of different forms, too! So he's a pretty cool badass as he stands above, but here's Phantom Ganon, on a horse. Horse!

Dick with this:

And one more for good luck, Ganon the Demon-Pig Behemoth!:

Think twice before crossing paths with this motherfucker, that's for sure. He'll get ya good.

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Total Badasses: Kiss

Kiss, man. Such a fucking powerful musical force. The greatest American theatrical-rock band of all time. Starchild. Demon. Spaceman. Catman. KISS!

What I love about Kiss is their schtick is what got them over with fans. Not so much their (admittedly pretty amazing at times) pop sensibility or musicianship, its the whole fucking gimmick. Its incredible. They're more of a disco band than a metal band. They're more "Queen" than "Sabbath". What they are is the all-powerful essence of live musical pageantry.

So, Kiss. They're badasses. Doing their own thing and basically kicking pure ass despite never increasing in relevance. But never decreasing, either. Just nailing the verse, nailing the chorus, and genuinely just being Kiss. KISS!

Check out this sweet, sweet, epic disco jam. Not metal. Totally underrated guitar solo, too.



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Total Badasses: CM Punk

So, a new king of modern sports entertainment has been crowned, or so it seems. I've mentioned WWE and wrestling in general (neither of the 'W's in WWE stand for wrestling anymore) - and all of my previous posts have been about the past glories of a few breakthrough WWE stars. Over the last fortnight I've been lucky enough to witness the dawn of what could be an entirely new era. The man at the helm is CM Punk. Here's him "speaking his mind" before his final PPV appearance on Sunday.



So he's just strutted out there onto the set of a live television show, and gone on a 10 minute verbatim rant about how much his boss, his colleagues and the industry are just... well, fucked. He (almost) breaks character and kayfabe about 200 times and doesn't get cut off 'til the last second. Hmmmm. Anyways, regardless of whether this was real or 'worked', it was an incredible piece of promo work. Big time. A really big deal.

So here I am, a long standing fan of Punk's - waiting to see if the WWE has pulled off an incredible on-screen acknowledgement of their mistreatment of their talent and their fans, or just let a very serious embarrasment happen at the hands of their most well-rounded performer. I'd love to let it rip on my boss like that.

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Total Badasses: Paul McCartney

Sir Paul McCartney. MBE. The most successful songwriter in the history of music. Musician. Activist. Total Badass.

I love Paul. I've always had a softspot for him, his songs always semed less pretentious and egotistical than those of his (equally badass and incredible) writing partner John Lennon. They were like the "Bert and Ernie" of groundbreaking 60's pop songwriting, and Paul is totally Ernie.

Anwyays, not only is the guy just obviously responsible for some of the greatest music humans have ever created (Let It Be, Hey Jude, Maybe I'm Amazed, etc), he also just seems like a totally realistic, genuinely nice guy. Maybe he's not or whatever, but still - to have been in the public eye your whole life and still come off like a fucking champion no matter what you get up to; is very impressive.

Plus, he's so incredibly decorated. Sir. Being a knight of the British Empire is awesome, especially if you got there by writing "Yesterday" and playing the bass. Awesome.

Here's one of my favourites from Paul's post-Beatles era.

Paul McCartney - Coming Up


It (no shit) brought John Lennon out of retirement.

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Total Badasses: Wario

Look at Wario, man. He has ALL the coins. Awesome. He probably got that treasure by doing some "nefarious deeds", or something. Wario pretty much follows the generic-incompetent-bad-guy-who-resembles-his-nemesis... villain formula, which in this case, relates to nemesis Super Mario. Resembles, in that they both appear to be middle aged, working class Italian men working for similarly uniformed plumbing companies. Regardless, in their historic confrontations, Wario always managed to fall flat on his face in attempts to get the best of Mario. This relationship stood, until he was credited with his own franchise, the WarioLand and subsequent WarioWear series.

Ever since, Wario has seemed like a favourite of the Nintendo creative team, taking on more of an 'antihero' persona, and generally starring in some pretty entertaining games. I like the guy.

He has such an amazing laugh, too:

Wario's Laugh


Great stuff. With a laugh like that, no wonder he gets all the treasure.

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Total Badasses: Yoshimitsu

Yoshimitsu is the most enigmatic and mysterious character in (both) the Tekken and Soul Calibur game franchises. He is described as a "Space Ninja" and his appearance changes dramatically between releases. Despite this, He always fights wearing spectacular-looking armor, and weilding a "Cursed Blade". He's an absolute lunatic, his moveset is second to none, and his cut-scenes are always the most epic and outlandish (aside from guys like Mokujin, who i'll probably include in the blog later).

Yoshimitsu is able to spit out noxious gas, teleport, turn invisible, run at an amazing speed, and able to fly - by rapidly spinning his sword like a helicopter rotor.

I'm a huge fan of the Tekken series, but certainly not an expert on storylines. Here's what I could decode from my research:

Yoshimitsu is the (current?) leader of the Manji Clan. The blade wielded by Yoshimitsu is also called "Yoshimitsu"... presumably because it holds the spirits of all the former leaders. After a token "respect" storyline in Tekken 1 - Yoshimitsu enters the second Tekken tournament to rescue his friend Dr. Boskonovitch.


Yoshimitsu reappears in Tekken 3 (the best overall game in the series), trying to help Boskonovitch, whose daughter is suffering from a mysterious disease. In Tekken 4, he attempts to form alliances between the Zaibatsu and the Manji Clan.

In Tekken 5 - he seeks out Bryan Fury (another total badass, and my personal favourite Tekken storyline) - who had brutally slaughtered members of Yoshimitsu's clan. And in Tekken 6, Yoshi attempts to find a new sword after realizing that his current one is a cursed weapon driving him insane.

That was a mouthful. Just play some fucken Tekken. For more total badasses, click here.

Total Badasses: Roy Orbison

Roy Orbison is, in my opinion - perhaps a little under-appreciated by the youth of today. In the early '60s, most male musicians put forth a macho, masculine persona. Orbison instead portrayed a quiet, desperate, lonely character.

He nailed it on most occasions, too - with some huge hits in "I Drove All Night", "Oh, Pretty Woman", and "Only The Lonely". Great tracks, absolutely timeless. Plus, he just looks and sings like a fucking badass. What woman wouldn't swoon over THIS guy?:


Timeless. Here's my favourite track of Roy's, the very last single he released before his heart-attack and subsequent death in 1988. For some reason the idea he died shortly after, makes this song all the more tender. :)

Roy Orbison - You Got It

[mp3]


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Total Badasses: Serge Gainsbourg

When I think of the words "Europe" and "cool" together I think of Serge Gainsbourg. What a fucking cool guy. Always with a cigarette in his hand, always drunk and slightly disheveled, this guy was the debauched poet/bard of his generation.

There are some amazing stories about Serge. In the 60s he wrote songs for various pop artists, one of whom was a very young French starlet named France Gall. One of Gall's biggest hits was the Serge-penned Les Sucettes, a seemingly innocent tale of a little girl who loves aniseed-flavoured lollipops. France continued to sing and perform the song until eventually finding out it was about oral sex, at which point she locked herself away for several months out of shame. Serge. What a dirty badass..

Watch them perform Les Sucettes here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Nr0dUcrAU0
(can't embed this one, darn!)

Another is from his late period, in the 80s, when he'd appear on French TV, constantly drunk and ramble erotically. Here is a legendary moment when he tells Whitney Houston that he wants to fuck her:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMdXi6f5KRg

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Total Badasses: Gambit

Gambit, bro. Or Remy Etienne LeBeau, if you want his real name. THAT'S RIGHT, HE'S CAJUN, BITCHES.

Gambit is a mutant, part of the Uncanny X-Men series of comics. He holds power over people with his immense charm, and uses telekinesis to propel and explode things. Gambit's 'trademark' is card throwing attacks, but he also kicks ass hand-to-hand, and with a staff. Ranged and Melee.

He's also the X-Man who manages to score with Rogue. Totally. Badass.

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Total Badasses: Arnold Vosloo

Arnold Vosloo has such an incredibly badass "look" going on. What a cool dude. Imhotep was such a fucken amazing bad guy (this is in The Mummy and The Mummy Returns, by the way). The shit he does with the sand, bringing his dead girlfriend back to life using Egyptian Mysticism... and those awesome magic spells:


That's an Arnold Vosloo made out of sand, "getting" a plane.

Badass bald guys, man. Cool.

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Total Badasses: Guile

Guile. He's a badass. Look at his hair! That's an "American Hero" for you, totally Army, muscled up, and a "Rip a Hole in the Sun" attitude to boot. Check out his awesome American flag tattoo. Cool. Guile is pretty much a no-nonsense, All-American tough guy.

A Major in the United States Air Force, Guile left the United States of America, to enter the World Warrior tournament avenging his friend Charlie, who was killed by the tournament's sponsor, and fellow Total Badass - M. Bison. Anyways, yeah - Guile does a sweet spinning kick, as well as this gem:

Guile performs the "Sonic Boom" attack - powers up so much that he shoots a powerful "force" at the other guy, and knocks him down. Get it? Air Force... Jets... Sonic Boom, speed of sound... etc?

Street Fighter rules. Guile rules.

Rip a Hole in the Sun.

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Total Badasses: Kratos

Okay, this has been a long time coming. Videogames have long been known as a medium populated by huge beefy guys killing other guys, right? Right! And Kratos, the protagonist of the God of War games, is arguably the most awesome and epic.

I'll try to keep backstory brief. Kratos was a general in the Greek army who was betrayed (initially by Ares, the God of War) and forced to kill his own family. Ever since then, Kratos just wants to kill every single God and Greek myth. That's it. That's the story. Obviously other stuff happens as well, but thats the gist. Its basically the most epic tale of revenge ever told. And it goes all the way up to Zeus. Yes, that's right, he wants to kill the fucken "God of Gods".

What Kratos lacks in character depth (he's got one facial expression: scowl), he makes up for in deeds. This guy does some freakin' epic stuff that really defines what "awesome" would look like in the mind of a 12-year old boy. Kratos disembowels minotaurs, plucks out cyclopses' eyes, and stabs satyrs, but thats just the beginning.

Some Kratos highlights (minor spoilers, but if you didn't figure it out already, Kratos kills FUCKEN EVERYBODY):

-Killing the Colossus of fucken Rhodes
-Killing the fucken Hydra
-Killing Hades, God of the fucken Underworld
-Killing fucken Hercules
-Killing fucken Poseidon, God of the Sea
-Killing Helios, God of the fucken Sun
-Killing the Sisters of fucken Fate
-Killing Gaia, Titan of the fucken Earth
-Killing Cronos, Titan of Time
-Killing Ares, God of fucken War

Now with God of War 3 in the bag, the developers have stated that they have wrapped up "Kratos' story arc", whatever that means. I'm sure there will be more God of War games, but I'm wondering if they will feature a different hero or not. I'm hoping Kratos gets to return, but in an altogether different mythology.

Just imagine. God of War 4. Kratos gets betrayed by God. Must battle through hordes of Saints. And Jesus. It would be amazing.

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Total Badasses: Steven Spielberg

When you think of a total badass, you don't usually think of a middle-aged bespectacled Jewish man. But that's just what Spielberg is. A badass. And an absolute motherfucken titan of cinema.

Just what makes Spielberg such a genius? I think it's his range. You know how some directors are known for making a certain kind of movie? Like, John Woo makes high-octane "gun"-themed action movies. Wes Craven makes horror movies, etcetera. Spielberg's theme must be "good" movies or something, because he doesn't really have a theme.

He'd be all like, "Okay, I'm gonna make a fantastic family movie about an alien" then he'd be like "Okay, my next one's gonna be an amazing archaeology adventure". He's the only guy who can probably say he went from making an incredible special-effects laden movie about freakin' dinosaurs, to a heartwrenching, beautiful film about the Holocaust.

Trivia time: Spielberg didn't accept any paycheck from making Schindler's List, because he said it would be like taking "blood money". Totally awesome gesture.

He just keeps going -- jumping between themes and genres effortlessly. Modern adaptation of Peter Pan? Check. A wicked re-telling of a H.G Wells classic? Check. Spielberg is the man.

Some cinemaphiles might argue that the greatest director of the modern era is someone a bit more arthouse, like von Trier or van Sant or Gondry or something, but for me, its fucken Spielberg. His movies are timeless entertainment, and there is art behind them -- the art of effortlessly telling a wonderful story, be it an amazing adventure, terrible true-to-life historic heartache, a colourful re-telling of a classic fable, or an encounter with something from another world.

Steven Spielberg. Absolute genius.

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Total Badasses: Vegeta

Vegeta totally rules, man. He's the prince of the fallen Saiyan race, and just an incredibly, incredibly tough and angry dude. Check out his "Widows Peak". He has this awesome special attack named the "Garlic Gun" (?) and also became a Super-Saiyan during the battle with the "Red Ribbon Army" (pow!). They're badasses, too. Anyways, shit really hits the fan when you become a Super-Saiyan, believe me.


The great thing about Dragonball Z, is how motherfucking hard it rocks out. Its like one of those guys in a music store who just doesn't care that he's been shredding on an SG (that he has no intention to buy) for 20 minutes straight. Except with incredibly fast paced and outlandish action sequences as well. Cool.

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Total Badasses: Bolo Yeung

Bolo is one cool motherfucker. A cult martial artist and powerlifter, Bolo is primarily known for playing the villain Chong Li in the Van Damme vehicle "Bloodsport". Bloodsport was made in '88, while Bolo was born in 1938 -- this means that at 50, Bolo played the primary "boss" in a wicked martial arts flick.

I wish I could do that when I'm fifty.

One of the coolest "factoids" about Bolo has to do with his escape from China's real-life Communist regime -- he actually swam from China to Hong Kong. Swam. Cool.

Apparently, at 71 years of age, Bolo still powerlifts weights every day for two hours.



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Total Badasses: Arthas

Everybody hates Warcraft, or something - so i'll be brief. Arthas Menethil is an incredible badass. Here's why:


a) He's the Crown Prince of Lordaeron. Being the Crown prince of anywhere, is an awesome claim to fame.

b) He is a "Knight of the Silver Hand". Pow.

b2) This is all before he fell victim to the "taint of the scourge" - and became corrupted. Check this next part out.

c) He carries a fucken RUNEBLADE. The blade's name is "Frostmourne".

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Total Badasses: Johnny Cage

Johnny Cage just oozes awesomeness. What a cool guy. Midway totally just took off Van Damme, and then tried to combine him with the "coolest stereotype of an american ever" for this character, but look at him! I'd totally see a Johnny Cage movie.

This attack he's doing here is called the "Shadow Kick" (pow!) and its one of his best special moves. Also he wears sunglasses.

He probably drives a "Corvette" or something. Badass.

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Total Badasses: Hannibal Barca

Hannibal of Carthage is my favourite historical general. Dude is a total legend. He lived in the 2nd century BC, and is known for actually standing up to the greatest power in the ancient world at that time -- Rome.

The dude led a smallish army, including war elephants (yeah!) across the European Alps, at the time thought to be uncrossable. Even though he emerged on the other side with about half of the force he set out with initially, he still amassed several impressive victories behind enemy lines, in Roman territory.

To put it in better words, he "marauded" around Rome for a while, being a total badass and kicking Roman arse for a while. In Italy. Roman territory. Him and his elephants. So cool.

Eventually he was driven out by Romans, who were getting desperate, sending general after general against him in hope of defeating him. The dude who eventually did so was Scipio Africanus. Cool name.

Here is a Hannibal quote I think we can all agree is totally badass:

"We will either find a way, or make one."

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Total Badasses: Ellen Ripley

I was tossing up whether to declare Ellen Ripley or Sigourney Weaver as the Total Badass. On one hand, Ripley is probably the greatest female hero in cinema history... on the other - she's played by Sigourney Weaver... and her name is Sigourney FUCKING Weaver which is probably the greatest name any real person has ever been named.

But then I noticed the shoes Ripley is wearing in this^^ image. Sci-Fi basketball adventure shoes! They probably provided the "ankle support" that allowed her to save the day!

I think "real names which are amazing" is probably a pretty good post on its own, so maybe I'll save that one up. "Maximilian Q. Adventure", if he somehow exists - has a tribute coming to him.

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Total Badasses: Steely Dan

Generally I would be reluctant to put a '70s musical act (that isn't KISS) in the "Total Badasses" series, but I feel Steely Dan have a case to be made for it. First off, listen to this amazing, smooth track:

Steely Dan - Do It Again

[mp3]

The duo were bastards, apparently. Incredible perfectionists, and huge on "doing it right or not doing it at all" in the studio. I think they tore through 11 engineers and like 40 session musicians, or something, before finishing their final album before breaking up. Eventually they got back together and toured (they were mostly-studio-based prior to this) and got incredible press for their live show.

Also, they're named after a strap-on dildo. That's a terrifyingly awesome thing to name your band after. Especially when they sound like this ^^. Fuck yeah!

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