Demolition Man

This movie, man. Fucken A.

Basically, Demolition Man is about the future. A future in which all violence and any potential for disturbance has been eradicated, and anyone who stands in the way of this peaceful existence is banished to the sewers. Nobody uses guns anymore. Cars drive themselves. You have "sex" using virtual reality visors. And... the three seashells.

Anyways - so the most violent criminals are locked up in "cryoprison" - a creative form of justice which involves freezing the accused in time, and rehabilitating them using brainwashing and mind control. Simon Phoenix ((!) Wesley Snipes) - the worst criminal in the world (or something), gets a lifetime cryo-sentence. John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone) - the fucken best cop ever, wrongfully receives a 70 year cryo-sentence, at the hands of Simon Phoenix.

Both receive a cryo-parole hearing on the same day. Simon Phoenix escapes. Stallone v Snipes. The stage is set. As the viewer, we get to watch these two total cryo-badasses go crazy on each other, in a peaceful, tongue-in-cheek Utopian future.

The best part of this movie is all the hilarious "its the future, lol" bits. Its like Brave New World, or 1984, but really user-friendly and fun. Sandra Bullock actually nails it, and plays this adorable cop who has a soft spot for John Spartan, and tries to help him adjust to life in 2032. The only restaurant to survive the "franchise wars" was Taco Bell, so every restaurant is Taco Bell. Hilarious. Schwarzenegger is president, which is awesome - because not only was this a Stallone movie.... they weren't SO far off with that one.

Total Badasses: Arnold Vosloo

Arnold Vosloo has such an incredibly badass "look" going on. What a cool dude. Imhotep was such a fucken amazing bad guy (this is in The Mummy and The Mummy Returns, by the way). The shit he does with the sand, bringing his dead girlfriend back to life using Egyptian Mysticism... and those awesome magic spells:


That's an Arnold Vosloo made out of sand, "getting" a plane.

Badass bald guys, man. Cool.

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Nightvision

Nightvision, bro. So cool. You can totally see things at night, things your naked eye wouldn't be able to see. Pretty self explanatory.

I'd love a pair of these. Black ops, bro.

Apollo Creed

The Master of Disaster, The King of Sting, The Dancing Destroyer, The Count of Monte Fisto. Apollo Creed.

Now, I'm not even an enormous fan of the Rocky series, but I really have to hand it to Apollo Creed, for being one cool motherfucker. Look at his physique! Plus, the musical number he performs with James Brown (in Rocky IV?) is insane. But then he dies. Great stuff.

Anyways, Apollo Creed is played by Carl Weathers, who is also amazing. He's in Predator. So basically, Carl Weathers is the greatest actor who has ever lived. Check this out:

VOLCANO

I fucken love it when Mother Earth gets all "Heavy Metal" on everyone's ass - and comes up with shit like this. Volcanoes! They're badass.

Now, what's even more badass, is when tribes drop people into the top of the Volcano (does anyone know if any tribes actually do this?) as some sort of "offering" to the Volcano God. That's amazing, because.. why not?

It'd be easy to fall under the spell of a mystic Volcano, and start worshiping it. Personally, if my village was right in its path, I'd sacrifice hundreds of dudes, to ensure the Volcano God didn't get mad, and wrath all over my house and shit.

Lightning

Lightning is awesome, man. Such immense power. Naturally occurring power!

It does so much good shit, it can make you travel time (but only if you can get 10,000 Jiggawatts of it), ruin your golf game, ruin your kite flying, and apparently can help 'heal' holes in the ozone layer, too!


"Chain Lightning" also. Its when lightning "gets" someone, then it bounces from one person to the next, and then again to the next person. Chain Lightning. Deadly, deadly chain lightning.

What's more, is that "Chain Lightning" is a song by Steely Dan!!! Holy Shit! What an amazing song name.

Pow! - Scorpion Kick!

Check that shit out, bro! Fucken nice save!

Also:



"SCORPION KICK!!"

The first guy is Rene Higuita. He's some sort of Colombian soccer psychopath... Invented that amazing move, but then also made a catastrophic blunder in one game, which was probably due to him doing something as silly as the Scorpion Kick in a match. Still - its pretty fucking cool, so I can't blame him.

That second guy is John Morrison - marking out hardcore for this guy over the last couple of years, the guy puts on such great matches. If the WWE knows what they're doing, they'll get a major title on him sooner rather than later - the guy's got the moveset of Mutant Jesus.

Fuck, Scorpion Kicks are amazing. I want to go and "Kick one of my enemies asses" with one.

Total Badasses: Guile

Guile. He's a badass. Look at his hair! That's an "American Hero" for you, totally Army, muscled up, and a "Rip a Hole in the Sun" attitude to boot. Check out his awesome American flag tattoo. Cool. Guile is pretty much a no-nonsense, All-American tough guy.

A Major in the United States Air Force, Guile left the United States of America, to enter the World Warrior tournament avenging his friend Charlie, who was killed by the tournament's sponsor, and fellow Total Badass - M. Bison. Anyways, yeah - Guile does a sweet spinning kick, as well as this gem:

Guile performs the "Sonic Boom" attack - powers up so much that he shoots a powerful "force" at the other guy, and knocks him down. Get it? Air Force... Jets... Sonic Boom, speed of sound... etc?

Street Fighter rules. Guile rules.

Rip a Hole in the Sun.

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Flamingos!

Flamingos, man. Look at these guys soar!

They're such great, majestic creatures. So slender and fancy... badasses. Plus, they can live for a really long time. They just hang out, looking fancy and just being cool guys all day long... what a life! Plus they're "hot pink" and have an awesome name. I realize, if they were in human form, they'd be gay Spanish salsa dancers.... but still. That could be badass.

Here's another thing, though. So, in Adelaide - there's this Zoo.. its OK i guess, just kind of unimpressive when up against the zoo heavyweights of the world. Anyways, what the Adelaide zoo DOES have, is one very, very old Flamingo. He's 79, blind, and has lived at Adelaide zoo since the 1930s.

Anyways, like 2 years ago - some dickless piece of shit breaks into the Zoo and beats up the Flamingo! What the hell man? Who the fuck are you? Beating up a flamingo? What could it have possibly done to you? Man, if I ever see that kid I'm going to beat his Dad up in front of him.

Other than that, Flamingos are spot on. Well done, Flamingos.

The Sistine Chapel: It Owns

See? it owns. What a freaking great ceiling!

Best chapel ever?

I think so.

Mandrake

Ok, so in real life, the Mandrake is a plant (belonging to the 'Nightshades' classification strand. Pow.) whose roots have long been used in the practice of magic rituals. It is a wholly unimpressive thing, except for the fact that the roots often closely resemble figures of humans, or even children.

The impressive stuff is how far practitioners of the dark arts have taken the backstory with these things. According to the legend, when the root is dug up it screams and kills all who hear it.

Some of the Magic folklore and writings surrounding the Mandrake, are incredible (and disturbing). Here's what one "History and Practice of Magic" book, by Paul Christian instructs us to do:

Would you like to make a Mandragora? Then find a root of the plant called bryony. Take it out of the ground on a Monday (the day of the moon), a little time after the vernal equinox. Cut off the ends of the root and bury it at night in some country churchyard in a dead man's grave. For thirty days water it with cow's milk in which three bats have been drowned. When the thirty-first day arrives, take out the root in the middle of the night and dry it in an oven heated with branches of verbena; then wrap it up in a piece of a dead man's winding-sheet and carry it with you everywhere.

...Anyone want to make one with me?

Crown Jewels

The concept of having "Crown Jewels" is just fucking incredible. Its such an antiquated status symbol, and having a massive set of priceless treasures just seems so awesome, regardless of whether any real power comes from owning them.

Crowns rule. Jewels rule. Fucking SCEPTERS rule. Being in the royal family and having access to these awesome jewels would be the bomb. Going to marry into that shit one day.

Treasure rules. Wanna either a) inherit some, or b) go hunting & dig some up somewhere!

Alchemy

Chalk this one up as one of those professions I really wish was still in existence. Basically, alchemists try and turn things to gold. Midas-style... well, not Midas style, they use "ancient science" and shit. Also, they tried to come up with "elixirs" (which are badass) to prolong life, and potentially even perpetuate it. Alchemists were some fucking ambitious dudes.

Anyways, get on Wikipedia and read about some of the psychological and spiritual applications the practice of alchemy has to offer. Its some seriously interesting stuff.

Also, imagine this: You're at a party, getting a vibe for the place - and a girl walks up to you and begins some small talk. She asks you what you do for a living, and you say "Yeah, I'm an Alchemist... I'm working on an Elixir of Immortality."

Fuck yeah.

Total Badasses: Kratos

Okay, this has been a long time coming. Videogames have long been known as a medium populated by huge beefy guys killing other guys, right? Right! And Kratos, the protagonist of the God of War games, is arguably the most awesome and epic.

I'll try to keep backstory brief. Kratos was a general in the Greek army who was betrayed (initially by Ares, the God of War) and forced to kill his own family. Ever since then, Kratos just wants to kill every single God and Greek myth. That's it. That's the story. Obviously other stuff happens as well, but thats the gist. Its basically the most epic tale of revenge ever told. And it goes all the way up to Zeus. Yes, that's right, he wants to kill the fucken "God of Gods".

What Kratos lacks in character depth (he's got one facial expression: scowl), he makes up for in deeds. This guy does some freakin' epic stuff that really defines what "awesome" would look like in the mind of a 12-year old boy. Kratos disembowels minotaurs, plucks out cyclopses' eyes, and stabs satyrs, but thats just the beginning.

Some Kratos highlights (minor spoilers, but if you didn't figure it out already, Kratos kills FUCKEN EVERYBODY):

-Killing the Colossus of fucken Rhodes
-Killing the fucken Hydra
-Killing Hades, God of the fucken Underworld
-Killing fucken Hercules
-Killing fucken Poseidon, God of the Sea
-Killing Helios, God of the fucken Sun
-Killing the Sisters of fucken Fate
-Killing Gaia, Titan of the fucken Earth
-Killing Cronos, Titan of Time
-Killing Ares, God of fucken War

Now with God of War 3 in the bag, the developers have stated that they have wrapped up "Kratos' story arc", whatever that means. I'm sure there will be more God of War games, but I'm wondering if they will feature a different hero or not. I'm hoping Kratos gets to return, but in an altogether different mythology.

Just imagine. God of War 4. Kratos gets betrayed by God. Must battle through hordes of Saints. And Jesus. It would be amazing.

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Total Badasses: Steven Spielberg

When you think of a total badass, you don't usually think of a middle-aged bespectacled Jewish man. But that's just what Spielberg is. A badass. And an absolute motherfucken titan of cinema.

Just what makes Spielberg such a genius? I think it's his range. You know how some directors are known for making a certain kind of movie? Like, John Woo makes high-octane "gun"-themed action movies. Wes Craven makes horror movies, etcetera. Spielberg's theme must be "good" movies or something, because he doesn't really have a theme.

He'd be all like, "Okay, I'm gonna make a fantastic family movie about an alien" then he'd be like "Okay, my next one's gonna be an amazing archaeology adventure". He's the only guy who can probably say he went from making an incredible special-effects laden movie about freakin' dinosaurs, to a heartwrenching, beautiful film about the Holocaust.

Trivia time: Spielberg didn't accept any paycheck from making Schindler's List, because he said it would be like taking "blood money". Totally awesome gesture.

He just keeps going -- jumping between themes and genres effortlessly. Modern adaptation of Peter Pan? Check. A wicked re-telling of a H.G Wells classic? Check. Spielberg is the man.

Some cinemaphiles might argue that the greatest director of the modern era is someone a bit more arthouse, like von Trier or van Sant or Gondry or something, but for me, its fucken Spielberg. His movies are timeless entertainment, and there is art behind them -- the art of effortlessly telling a wonderful story, be it an amazing adventure, terrible true-to-life historic heartache, a colourful re-telling of a classic fable, or an encounter with something from another world.

Steven Spielberg. Absolute genius.

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Stories that you just can't make up

These kinds of stories are best. I also really appreciate when there's someone you know who can really tell a story with enthusiasm and flair - one that hooks you in and keeps you in. Anyways, yeah. Stories you can't make up. Heaps interesting, and cool.

A mate of mine once told me he'd come into possession of a mammoth horn... or like a tusk, or some shit. It was engraved, and apparently genuine. He'd been given it by a friend's dad - as I recall, in the hopes he could get it up on Ebay, and get a good price.

What the fuck is a good price for a mammoth horn? Why didn't the dad just put it up on Ebay himself?

Well, apparently the guy just wasn't sure how to use ebay, so he'd handed it to this pal of mine. And also, i think he was hoping for the horn to sell for somewhere around the $30,000 mark... Thirty thousand dollars, for a genuine Mammoth's tusk. With runic engravings! Thirty thousand.

WHAT? Yeah. Mammoth Tusk.

That story, whilst not one with a beginning, middle & end - had to be true. Why would anyone make that up, unless they wanted to seem completely crazy?

I fucken love stories like that.

Wholesome Fun #4

Fucken KITES, man.

This is basically the definition of wholesome fun. Combining aviation physics, the outdoors, serenity, and just hanging out floating a sheet of reinforced cloth on a string for a half an hour.

Nice. Would love to both "be one" and to go "fly one" right now... not at the same time, of course.

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First Impressions

So I have this friend, and his name is Luxury Wolf. We've known each other for years, and I have a story that I still think back on very fondly, from our time as drunken youths. Here's the story.

So basically, we're all invited to this party. The party is being held at a marina, for some reason - so we're all out on this lovely seaside dock kind of place, sitting around the table drinking beer, eating chips... you know.. a party! Luxury is sitting next to me, and our group of friends is meeting a lot of great new people, I guess - in the hopes of increasing the size of the friendship group.

Luxury quickly drinks too much - and starts "going to town" on the cheese and crackers which are sitting on the table in front of us - I'm next to him, chatting to some people who would later become quite close friends of ours. In no small part a result of what Luxury is CONTINUALLY yelling, whenever he replenishes his cracker with some more delicious brie.

"MOTHERFUCKEN CHEESE, ASSHOLES!"

Every time! - he just keeps yelling it, and yelling it.... Calling everyone at the party he doesn't know "assholes". Amazing! I'd never seen anything like it, and every time he did it - I laughed more and more... somehow we all left a great impression, and it was one of the better parties 2006 had to offer.

So please, whenever you think of it - spread the love. Next time you reach for the "little knife" that you use to cut up some hand-held snackable cheese... remember:

"MOTHERFUCKEN CHEESE, ASSHOLES!"

Amazing.

Shawn Michaels

The Heartbreak Kid. The Showstopper. Mr Wrestlemania. Shawn Michaels.

In a 20+ year career, this guy did it all. This guy performed at like 16 Wrestlemanias, and ripped the lid off of most of them, won the championship 4 times - won 2 Royal Rumbles... and none of this "oh man, look at the size of this monster who can't wrestle at all!" bullshit - the guy's probably not even 6 feet tall, and went for an hour with Bret Hart, and brought the house down in the most pure display of wrestling the WWE had ever seen. Then he did it again, and again... His matches with Chris Jericho and Kurt Angle are some of the best shit I've ever seen.

Anyways - so then WrestleMania 25 (2009) rolls around, and he decides he wants to take on the most indestructibly-booked wrestler in the history of the universe, The Undertaker. The match was a classic, incredible emotion and great work - but Shawn loses... plus, the pair make a few mistakes in the match. The crowd go ballistic anyway. One more year rolls around, and we're at WrestleMania 26... like a week ago. Shawn decides he can beat Undertaker, and tries again. They bring the house down once more, but Shawn loses. Shit.

So his match last week was his last, and I personally don't think we'll see anything like the Heartbreak Kid again. Youtube some of his shit... its phenomenal. Such a badass rockstar - like a member of Van Halen was up there kicking everyone in the face. The glam-heavy-rock movement ended in like 1996 and Shawn just kept going, winning more people over and continuing to kick total ass, without adjusting his look... like, at all. What a champion.

Would've loved to have seen more matches from Shawn Michaels - at 44 years of age, he was still outperforming 90 percent of the performers in the entire business. Salut, HBK.