The Horror from the Hills

Hey, so I found this amazing list the other day. Its called the "List of Great Old Ones", and it was originally created by H.P Lovecraft, and expanded by his band of followers throughout literary history. Its essentially a compendium of names and descriptions of deities belonging to the "Cthulhu Mythos". Now, that probably won't mean much to you unless you're some sort of terrible Satanic Sci-Fi geek - but believe me, its objectively one of the bigger goldmines that the internet has offered up since eBay.

Dick with this:

Watch out! Its CHAUGNAR FAUGN! Also known by the epithet "The Horror from the Hills". Firstly, Chaugnar is a motherfucking badass. Secondly, he's a humanoid elephant with horribly grotesque features, combining the worst aspects of octopus, elephant, and human being. Also he's made of "night", or something. He moves incredibly fast for his size and will drain the blood of any being it encounters. Especially YOU.

Chaugnar Faugn falls into the category of "black magic" mythology, stories that were whispered amongst the endarkened (opposite of enlightened, is that cool? I might have just invented a word...) rather than passed along as regular legends like the Hydra/Minotaur/Larry Bird.

Seriously, grimoires are the best things ever. Way better than textbooks. I'd much rather have studied black magic than "Society & Environment". Then maybe all these bloody talismans would come in handy once in a while.

"Project Rainbow"

Hey there, so have you ever wanted to drive around in an invisible battleship? There's only one answer, and its "Yes."

So it turns out, that the U.S. Navy destroyer USS Eldridge is believed to be the first significant object successfully (or pseudo-successfully, I guess) "cloaked". Cloaking is a fictional process in which an object, usually something epic like a spaceship or a tank - is rendered invisible to the electromagnetic spectrum. So yeah, lets totally defy physics and inivisble a fucking ship, we'll see how that goes.

So, the Navy decided, based on something called the "Unified Field Theory", to use electrical generators to bend light around the object in order to make invisible. The story goes, that a test in July of 1943, resulted in the Eldridge being almost completely cloaked, with witnesses reporting a green fog appearing in its place.

But this is where it becomes awesome. It is said that when the ship reappeared, sailors were actually embedded in the metal of the ship, including one sailor who ended up on a deck level below that where he began, with his hand embedded in a steel girder. At that point, it is said that the experiment was altered at the request of the Navy, with the new objective being solely to render the Eldridge invisible to radar. Unfortunately for me, none of these claims have been officially substantiated.

This whole thing, popularly referred to as "The Philadelphia Experiment" or "Project Rainbow", has been surpressed/disproved/abandoned over the years, but remains a point of discussion & debate for conspiracy theorists to this day. I'm totally going to break into Area 51 one day, and do some snooping around for myself... Then we'll see what's what.

The Mountain of the Dead

So I've already gone and blown my own mind with the title of this post, but there's a little more to explain before we all strip off and run screaming into the snow. The Mountain of the motherfucking Dead. Today I'm referring specifically to Kholat Syakhl, a mountain pass in which some seriously macabre shit took place. I know, who would be crazy enough to expect sunshine, bluebirds and survival on "The Mountain of the Dead"? Nobody, that's who - even still, the poor souls who did fall victim to the pass would have a pretty good story to tell if they were English-speaking ghosts. Lets do this thing:

So, It all begins fairly innocently, with a group of 9 experienced Ski hikers setting out into the great white Russian wilderness. Diary entries for he days leading up to the "event" have been found. It is reported that after becoming lost due to snowblindness (boom), the hikers set up camp to weather a blizzard of some kind. Here's what the inquest into the demise of the group reveals (paraphrased from http://en.wikipedia.org/Dyatlov_Pass_Incident) :

• Three of the group members died as a result of fatal injuries, Six from hypothermia. 
• There were no indications of other people anywhere close by, apart from the nine travelers.
• The tent had been ripped open from within.
• The victims had died 6 to 8 hours after their last meal.
• All group members left the camp of their own accord, on foot.
• The fatal injuries of the three bodies could not have been caused by another human being, "because the force of the blows had been too strong and no soft tissue had been damaged".
• High doses of radioactive contamination were found on the clothes of the victims.

Holy ghost! So, I'm led to believe - based on this cryptic but "officially gathered" evidence, that the hikers were involved in some kind of RADIOACTIVE BLIZZARD MADNESS? I guess so. Such an incredible & mysterious way to go out, on the mountain of the dead, sprinting through the snow barefoot with newfound radioactive superhuman strength/bloodlust. I'm forced to believe there's no other sensible explanation. Here's something else (wikipedia is my/your best friend) :

• After the funerals, relatives of the deceased claimed that the skin of the victims had a strange brown tan, for no reason.
• Another group of hikers (50kms away from the pass) reported that they saw strange orange spheres in the night sky over the mountain, the night of the incident.
• Some reports suggest that there was a lot of scrap metal in the area, leading to speculation that the military had utilized the area secretly and might be engaged in a cover-up.

So yeah, you go to the Mountain of the Dead, you get explosively dramatic results. Lets go!

Total Badasses: Kiss

Kiss, man. Such a fucking powerful musical force. The greatest American theatrical-rock band of all time. Starchild. Demon. Spaceman. Catman. KISS!

What I love about Kiss is their schtick is what got them over with fans. Not so much their (admittedly pretty amazing at times) pop sensibility or musicianship, its the whole fucking gimmick. Its incredible. They're more of a disco band than a metal band. They're more "Queen" than "Sabbath". What they are is the all-powerful essence of live musical pageantry.

So, Kiss. They're badasses. Doing their own thing and basically kicking pure ass despite never increasing in relevance. But never decreasing, either. Just nailing the verse, nailing the chorus, and genuinely just being Kiss. KISS!

Check out this sweet, sweet, epic disco jam. Not metal. Totally underrated guitar solo, too.



For more total badasses, click here.

Death Throes!

Another morbid one, guys. Motherfucking DEATH THROES. So, before I go off and form a Doom Metal band, I'll run this by you - pretty much, this unfortunate Archaeopteryx (pictured above) has come to the end of his life. And since he's now a beautifully arranged fossil, paleontologists have been able to study him and figure a few things out about evolution. But never mind that, this poor old fellow is sprawled out in what is called the "Death Throes".

Death Throes: A violent last-ditch spasm before the Grim Reaper arrives and leaves you in the dust. Epic. Putting it all out there on the line in the final hour. Parting with very bit of energy you've got left, and adding a little drama to the final arrangement of your limbs. Death Throes. Mine are going to be epic, I might try and leap out of a window or something.



Here's the extinction (containing at least one Death Throe, at 6:40) according to Disney's "Fantasia" - except this uploader's been awesome and decided that Rush would be a great soundtrack. Enjoy!

Death Mask!

So here's another process I should probably have done to me after I've passed. Motherfucking DEATH MASK. Very, very badass. Basically its a way to preserve the image of a person who's passed, by making a last-minute cast of their face, immediately following death. They have been used as mementos of the dead, forensic research items, and a reference for post-mortem portraiture. Morbid.

There's also apparently a "life mask" which is cool, except less morbid, and probably less useful since you can just look at their living face if you really need to. Also, if I'm honest - a photograph would probably suffice.

Death Mask. Awesome superhero/wrestler name, too.

Total Badasses: CM Punk

So, a new king of modern sports entertainment has been crowned, or so it seems. I've mentioned WWE and wrestling in general (neither of the 'W's in WWE stand for wrestling anymore) - and all of my previous posts have been about the past glories of a few breakthrough WWE stars. Over the last fortnight I've been lucky enough to witness the dawn of what could be an entirely new era. The man at the helm is CM Punk. Here's him "speaking his mind" before his final PPV appearance on Sunday.



So he's just strutted out there onto the set of a live television show, and gone on a 10 minute verbatim rant about how much his boss, his colleagues and the industry are just... well, fucked. He (almost) breaks character and kayfabe about 200 times and doesn't get cut off 'til the last second. Hmmmm. Anyways, regardless of whether this was real or 'worked', it was an incredible piece of promo work. Big time. A really big deal.

So here I am, a long standing fan of Punk's - waiting to see if the WWE has pulled off an incredible on-screen acknowledgement of their mistreatment of their talent and their fans, or just let a very serious embarrasment happen at the hands of their most well-rounded performer. I'd love to let it rip on my boss like that.

For more total badasses, click here.

Bridges

No, not Beau Bridges you idiot, regular bridges!


Here's the thing about Civilization... From what I understand you reproduce a whole bunch and have your children grow up and become grown humans. You all work together, plant seeds, breed livestock and basically obliterate your parcel of land for all the resources it has. Then you build roads so you can sell your apples and pigs to neighbouring villages and then those roads need to cross a river because there's better grain on the other side maybe, so you need to build passageways everywhere all around the world so that civilization can function, or something.

Right, so basically you need to build bridges spanning these physical obstacles. And then cities emerged and these incredible bridges got built.





Bridges.

Chewing Gum

If I had to state what my favourite category in the world is (and I've definitely laboured night & day over this), its probably "useless things that have somehow survived the test of time", like windmills. Here's another. Chewing gum.


What is it made of? What does it do? Nobody knows. But what I do know, is that it looks and feels fucking cool-as-balls to chew. Just try and deny it. See? You can't.

Chewing gum. It only does one thing, but it does it better than you.

"The Captain's Table"

Imagine being invited to dine at the Captain's table....


It would be so awesome, even if you were on some sort of dinky cruise ship, you'd totally love it. Just like pilots, Ship Captains (of ships that are big and nice and don't smell bad) are just a wicked different class of dudes. And I'm all about class, obviously. So yeah, sit down with the Captain during the ship's "Maiden Voyage"... also awesome... and just tuck in to the "catch of the day". Fuck, Sea imagery is so spot on, man.

Also this: Apparently Sea Captains have never, at any point ever been able to legally perform weddings. What the fuck? That's totally a older-than-time myth. Not only that, but the rules and regulations actually state that a Captain should specifically NOT attempt to perform a marriage at sea. Which is hilarious, because it suggests that some captains have been a bit "caught up in the moment" and given it a go. :)

Tonight's research really did crush my hopes and dreams of being a Wedding-cruise operator. Oh well, drawing board ahoy!

Mass Extinction!

OK, so here it is. Actually the most terrifying thing I've ever heard of. And I mean it this time. Mass motherfucking extinction. Watch out for it.

The K-T event, or "Cretaceous–Tertiary extinction" event - is the most widely recognized occurrence of mass extinction in Earth's history. 75% of all species (all the god-damn Dinosaurs) on the planet were wiped out over the course of... well, a relatively short period of time. Most fossil records seem to point to some sort of rapid geological event, which hit Earth's "reset button" and left the Birds and Mammals to thrive in the new age.

My best bet is that it all happened because of some sort of crazy space rock, falling to Earth and completely fucking everyone up. There's a nicely placed 1.6km deep "smash hole" in the Yucatán Peninsula of Mexico, with Shocked Quartz in the rock bed. Could be the best clue. That's all I'm saying.

Reticulated Python

You're an African Reticulated Python! Yes you Are! You're so reticulated!

This is the biggest species of python on the planet, so it can pretty confidently just swoop in and claim the title of the biggest species of BADASS on the planet. These motherfuckers can devour an entire Nyala in one sitting. Nyalas aren't small.

So, yeah. Lets get this over with:

Rome

Rome. There's some serious evidence of "the magic of civilization" there, man. Its like the city itself is one of those cabinets people keep in their houses with all the valuable trinkets and china inside. Except this one has ancient buildings, statues and fountains, all with incredible backstories.

Now, everyone knows I'm a sucker for mythology, but any city founded by a guy raised by motherfucking WOLVES gets my vote. Basically, these two boys were left in the cold to die. A She-Wolf came along and picked up the slack, which was nice of her - and reared the boys back to health. They decided at some point to get started on a city.


They couldn't agree on which hill to build it on, so Romulus killed Remus, to avoid a drawn-out argument about it. I've got brothers, and violent hill-arguments happen all the time, no big deal. Anyways, seems like Romulus' hill was the right choice, because eventually a fore-runner of the "epic city" movement was born. Rome.

I really want to visit Rome one day, and I hope the mythology & magic in the air translates as well as I've let myself believe it will. It really would've been the "centre of the universe" for a good period of time. That's fucking amazing.

Hot Air Balloons

Up, up and away! Put these guys down as another super-underrated form of transportation. I would LOVE to own one of these. They create a very particular kind of "skyscape" - ie. like a landscape, but in the sky, when there's so many of them cruising at once. There's something so perfect about sliently ambling (at no particularly urgent pace) across the sky, taking it all in, and generally just being pleasant.

Pleasant stuff is the best stuff. Just chill out in a hot air balloon already, what are you waiting for?

Morning Star

Not the star, the weapon! The instrument of PAIN! Here comes the PAIN!

Not because pain is so great, but calling such a badass flail a "morning star" is just about the most insane idea going around. Blunt force. Puncture attack. Morning star.

I think I've just chosen my "zombie apocalypse survival weapon".

Danny McBride

Anyone who knows me knows I love Pineapple Express. I love every single line from it, pretty much. Every single cast member has been chosen perfectly, and some of the back-and-forth dialogue in this movie is out of this motherfucking WORLD. None moreso than the segments involving the "Last American Hero", Danny McBride.

McBride plays Red, the jerkoff who sells commercial amounts of exotic Marijuana, to Saul Silver (craftily portrayed by Hollywood Heartthrob James Franco). In addition to being one of the funniest performances of, I dunno... 2008 or whenever that movie came out, It also seems as if they just let the talent "go for it" whilst recording. It looks like a fucking fun movie to make. Dick with this:



See? if its not stylishly casual Dick-and-Balls humour, its seriously weird repartee with a spirit found only in a THC romance the likes of "Pineapple Express".

It takes a certain charisma to handle this "fat jerk" humour. Where everything you're saying is loud, obnoxious and the unabashed truth. With Red, we've got these unlikeable qualities put forth with that I-really-don't-give-a-fuck swagger, and for me at least, its infectious as fuck. I would love to have McBride's public speaking skills... as an adult, I'd be able to convince others my lack of accomplishment is a result of "nobody knowing shit" and that my time is yet to come.

Nobody knows shit. My time is yet to come.

World Tree

Happy new year, folks! I spent mine in Glenworth Valley, an amazingly beautiful piece of Australian countryside, with a pretty magical forest landscape. Plus, it had a really amazing sky. Being outside of the city at night is one of the best things you can do. We saw about 100 shooting stars, it was crazy.

Anyways, bringing in the New Year with the ghost Luxury Wolf, we had one of the most amazing conversations I've ever been a part of. Here's the skinny:

"Imagine there was this ENOURMOUS cosmic tree. One that spans the entire universe. It sits in the middle and its branches reach out into every corner of the universe. Now imagine if each planet, star, sun & heavenly body in the cosmos is a FRUIT from this tree."

*pause for mind explosion*

This is the greatest off-the-cuff conceptualization of the universe I think I've ever heard. I would worship the FUCK out of that tree, man. It has it all. Seems like we one day will end up writing our own religion, since I'm already more convinced this is true. More convinced than I am about Jesus and every other major religion in the world. Bam.