Demolition Man

This movie, man. Fucken A.

Basically, Demolition Man is about the future. A future in which all violence and any potential for disturbance has been eradicated, and anyone who stands in the way of this peaceful existence is banished to the sewers. Nobody uses guns anymore. Cars drive themselves. You have "sex" using virtual reality visors. And... the three seashells.

Anyways - so the most violent criminals are locked up in "cryoprison" - a creative form of justice which involves freezing the accused in time, and rehabilitating them using brainwashing and mind control. Simon Phoenix ((!) Wesley Snipes) - the worst criminal in the world (or something), gets a lifetime cryo-sentence. John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone) - the fucken best cop ever, wrongfully receives a 70 year cryo-sentence, at the hands of Simon Phoenix.

Both receive a cryo-parole hearing on the same day. Simon Phoenix escapes. Stallone v Snipes. The stage is set. As the viewer, we get to watch these two total cryo-badasses go crazy on each other, in a peaceful, tongue-in-cheek Utopian future.

The best part of this movie is all the hilarious "its the future, lol" bits. Its like Brave New World, or 1984, but really user-friendly and fun. Sandra Bullock actually nails it, and plays this adorable cop who has a soft spot for John Spartan, and tries to help him adjust to life in 2032. The only restaurant to survive the "franchise wars" was Taco Bell, so every restaurant is Taco Bell. Hilarious. Schwarzenegger is president, which is awesome - because not only was this a Stallone movie.... they weren't SO far off with that one.

Total Badasses: Arnold Vosloo

Arnold Vosloo has such an incredibly badass "look" going on. What a cool dude. Imhotep was such a fucken amazing bad guy (this is in The Mummy and The Mummy Returns, by the way). The shit he does with the sand, bringing his dead girlfriend back to life using Egyptian Mysticism... and those awesome magic spells:


That's an Arnold Vosloo made out of sand, "getting" a plane.

Badass bald guys, man. Cool.

For more total badasses, click here.

Nightvision

Nightvision, bro. So cool. You can totally see things at night, things your naked eye wouldn't be able to see. Pretty self explanatory.

I'd love a pair of these. Black ops, bro.

Apollo Creed

The Master of Disaster, The King of Sting, The Dancing Destroyer, The Count of Monte Fisto. Apollo Creed.

Now, I'm not even an enormous fan of the Rocky series, but I really have to hand it to Apollo Creed, for being one cool motherfucker. Look at his physique! Plus, the musical number he performs with James Brown (in Rocky IV?) is insane. But then he dies. Great stuff.

Anyways, Apollo Creed is played by Carl Weathers, who is also amazing. He's in Predator. So basically, Carl Weathers is the greatest actor who has ever lived. Check this out:

VOLCANO

I fucken love it when Mother Earth gets all "Heavy Metal" on everyone's ass - and comes up with shit like this. Volcanoes! They're badass.

Now, what's even more badass, is when tribes drop people into the top of the Volcano (does anyone know if any tribes actually do this?) as some sort of "offering" to the Volcano God. That's amazing, because.. why not?

It'd be easy to fall under the spell of a mystic Volcano, and start worshiping it. Personally, if my village was right in its path, I'd sacrifice hundreds of dudes, to ensure the Volcano God didn't get mad, and wrath all over my house and shit.

Lightning

Lightning is awesome, man. Such immense power. Naturally occurring power!

It does so much good shit, it can make you travel time (but only if you can get 10,000 Jiggawatts of it), ruin your golf game, ruin your kite flying, and apparently can help 'heal' holes in the ozone layer, too!


"Chain Lightning" also. Its when lightning "gets" someone, then it bounces from one person to the next, and then again to the next person. Chain Lightning. Deadly, deadly chain lightning.

What's more, is that "Chain Lightning" is a song by Steely Dan!!! Holy Shit! What an amazing song name.

Pow! - Scorpion Kick!

Check that shit out, bro! Fucken nice save!

Also:



"SCORPION KICK!!"

The first guy is Rene Higuita. He's some sort of Colombian soccer psychopath... Invented that amazing move, but then also made a catastrophic blunder in one game, which was probably due to him doing something as silly as the Scorpion Kick in a match. Still - its pretty fucking cool, so I can't blame him.

That second guy is John Morrison - marking out hardcore for this guy over the last couple of years, the guy puts on such great matches. If the WWE knows what they're doing, they'll get a major title on him sooner rather than later - the guy's got the moveset of Mutant Jesus.

Fuck, Scorpion Kicks are amazing. I want to go and "Kick one of my enemies asses" with one.

Total Badasses: Guile

Guile. He's a badass. Look at his hair! That's an "American Hero" for you, totally Army, muscled up, and a "Rip a Hole in the Sun" attitude to boot. Check out his awesome American flag tattoo. Cool. Guile is pretty much a no-nonsense, All-American tough guy.

A Major in the United States Air Force, Guile left the United States of America, to enter the World Warrior tournament avenging his friend Charlie, who was killed by the tournament's sponsor, and fellow Total Badass - M. Bison. Anyways, yeah - Guile does a sweet spinning kick, as well as this gem:

Guile performs the "Sonic Boom" attack - powers up so much that he shoots a powerful "force" at the other guy, and knocks him down. Get it? Air Force... Jets... Sonic Boom, speed of sound... etc?

Street Fighter rules. Guile rules.

Rip a Hole in the Sun.

For more total badasses, click here.

Flamingos!

Flamingos, man. Look at these guys soar!

They're such great, majestic creatures. So slender and fancy... badasses. Plus, they can live for a really long time. They just hang out, looking fancy and just being cool guys all day long... what a life! Plus they're "hot pink" and have an awesome name. I realize, if they were in human form, they'd be gay Spanish salsa dancers.... but still. That could be badass.

Here's another thing, though. So, in Adelaide - there's this Zoo.. its OK i guess, just kind of unimpressive when up against the zoo heavyweights of the world. Anyways, what the Adelaide zoo DOES have, is one very, very old Flamingo. He's 79, blind, and has lived at Adelaide zoo since the 1930s.

Anyways, like 2 years ago - some dickless piece of shit breaks into the Zoo and beats up the Flamingo! What the hell man? Who the fuck are you? Beating up a flamingo? What could it have possibly done to you? Man, if I ever see that kid I'm going to beat his Dad up in front of him.

Other than that, Flamingos are spot on. Well done, Flamingos.

The Sistine Chapel: It Owns

See? it owns. What a freaking great ceiling!

Best chapel ever?

I think so.